it's a new year why do i feel the same

i feel like i'm suffocating under the pressures of time and motivation. the holidays were wonderful but i was busier than i could handle and after times like that, i feel the need to shut myself off and out for a while until the desire returns to interact with other human beings. through all the busy-ness i kept telling myself that come january 5th, things would stop piling up and i'd be free to explore my own brain by myself for months on end. no real job, no classes left, no guys taking up my time...only books, organizing, creative exploits and learning (oh and that giant elephant in the corner called my THESIS).

well it's day 3 of real life and i'm already feeling the weight of the world standing back outside my door. i can't understand why it won't all just stop coming. i have committed to doing a video for revenue canada (don't even ask it's dumb) which is due by next monday, i have a meeting with my thesis supervisor tomorrow to show him what i've done over the past 2 months and unfortunately for my stress levels, the answer is NOTHING. i saw my credit card balance on monday and realized i spent about $2000 more than i realized over the holidays. and as per usual, the first thing i do when dealing with panicky money stress is to shop online. so i made a few amazon orders and i, of course, only feel worse for it. i was supposed to go skating tonight with my friends but i didn't feel like i could handle it. with my sore leg and the weather i felt like it would be too much. worst excuses and i could hear that but i'm just a debbie downer tonight and now i'm shut inside watching the wire instead of doing thesis research.

i registered for another class too so even though i could be finished school, i decided to get right back in. i started my first knitting project: a white scarf. so far i think it looks pretty good but it's only about 2" long at the moment. all i want to do is reorganize my entire apartment and throw out half of everything and set up a creative project room and make things and write things and feel useful and fulfilled but instead i just sit here stressing about how stuck i feel and watching the hours go by while accomplishing nothing. i need more time. no. i need to make better use of my time.

i got a new phone though. just so i could spend even more money.