real men

sitting around with my guy friends last night watching gore and porn actually happened to be great for the self image. it's nice to hear real men talk about how hot they get for real looking women. real stomachs, real curves and small, pretty breasts. i love fashion and beautiful celebs as much as the next chick but too much looking at those long, slender arms and legs can make me start to feel like a bit of a dumper. it's so nice to be reminded that the real men we really want want the real women we really are :)

out of africa

"She could be hurt, or worse!"
"I imagine she knows that."

field trips

yesterday i went on a school field trip to observe waterfowl all afternoon. i met a pretty massive cutie who was also a bird expert and i followed him around asking questions but on the way back to school he casually put it into the conversation that he had a gf. OF COURSE. he would have been a bad date anyways. seemed like kind of a know-it-all but what can i say, i'm a sucker for scruffy hair and blue eyes that can identify the subtle differences between icelandic, herring and glaucous gulls. here are some pictures of a few of the birds i saw that i had never seen before.

male common goldeneye-my most exciting sighting of the day


female common merganser-i've seen these at the bird centre before but they are still magnificent


female black duck-didn't even know this species existed until yesterday. probably always mistook them for female mallards. only now do i realize how ignorant that was.


glaucous gull-another species i never knew about. the same large size as the greater black-back gull but with much lighter colouration

going to america

this friday or saturday i finally get to drive down to ogdensburg, ny to pick up some american food treats as well as 4 packages being held at the ups store for me. among my many lovely items will be these gems.

picking insects off leaves

i just sent an apology email to a guy i went on one date with 3 years ago, because i was kind of a bitch to him and never explained why at the time (there was a reason that had nothing to do with him). i'm not sure if it's a good idea to rehash stuff like that so long after the fact but i figure saying nice things to people is never a bad idea. if you have nothing good to say, keep it to yourself but if you have something good to say, you should always, always say it. making people feel good makes you feel good :)

i'm almost finished knitting my very first scarf and it looks pretty lovely if i may say so myself. today i met my first whitewing crossbill at work and tomorrow i am going on a 4 hour field trip to look at waterfowl. all i want to do lately is go to the movies and as much as i love going to movies alone, i have these dumb 2 for 1 passes that i have to use up before the end of the month and i'm not having an easy time finding movie dates. everyone is too busy, poor, or has bad cinematic taste. check out this madly cute spider pic that made my day.

thank you charlotte

about a year ago, you told me about your favorite horoscope and i was blown away month after month by how accurate it could be and how much better it made me feel. but after a while, i didn't need the pick me up as much and the horoscopes weren't as exciting so i drifted away and forgot. this morning you sent me just what i needed again: the friendly reminder to explore the stars for answers, reassurance and direction.

well i just finished my read and what an exciting year i seem to have ahead of me! new love and unparalleled creative opportunities :) that's all i really want. i'm skeptical about the love part but it said this was the first time i've had such strong astrological support since sept 04-oct 05, those being the exact dates of my last batch of loves! it's been a dry spell like i never knew possible and at this point, i'm not even convinced i'm ready or want new love but if it's gonna be right, i sure as hell won't fight it. i guess we'll see what happens in a month or two.

as for the creativity, i hope it comes pouring out through school and art and i hope i read more and waste less and exercise more and eat less and edit more and clutter less. this is beginning to sound like a list of resolutions. maybe this is how i make mine

it's a new year why do i feel the same

i feel like i'm suffocating under the pressures of time and motivation. the holidays were wonderful but i was busier than i could handle and after times like that, i feel the need to shut myself off and out for a while until the desire returns to interact with other human beings. through all the busy-ness i kept telling myself that come january 5th, things would stop piling up and i'd be free to explore my own brain by myself for months on end. no real job, no classes left, no guys taking up my time...only books, organizing, creative exploits and learning (oh and that giant elephant in the corner called my THESIS).

well it's day 3 of real life and i'm already feeling the weight of the world standing back outside my door. i can't understand why it won't all just stop coming. i have committed to doing a video for revenue canada (don't even ask it's dumb) which is due by next monday, i have a meeting with my thesis supervisor tomorrow to show him what i've done over the past 2 months and unfortunately for my stress levels, the answer is NOTHING. i saw my credit card balance on monday and realized i spent about $2000 more than i realized over the holidays. and as per usual, the first thing i do when dealing with panicky money stress is to shop online. so i made a few amazon orders and i, of course, only feel worse for it. i was supposed to go skating tonight with my friends but i didn't feel like i could handle it. with my sore leg and the weather i felt like it would be too much. worst excuses and i could hear that but i'm just a debbie downer tonight and now i'm shut inside watching the wire instead of doing thesis research.

i registered for another class too so even though i could be finished school, i decided to get right back in. i started my first knitting project: a white scarf. so far i think it looks pretty good but it's only about 2" long at the moment. all i want to do is reorganize my entire apartment and throw out half of everything and set up a creative project room and make things and write things and feel useful and fulfilled but instead i just sit here stressing about how stuck i feel and watching the hours go by while accomplishing nothing. i need more time. no. i need to make better use of my time.

i got a new phone though. just so i could spend even more money.